One of my favorite parts of attending a bridal shower is seeing the advice that everyone writes down on the “Words of Wisdom for the Bride” cards. I remember reading what the women in my life wrote at my own shower, and at the time, most of it felt alien to me. I’m sure that most of the lessons we’ve learned the hard way were written as plain as day on a pretty card for me to take home. I should have committed them all to memory, but what did I know back then? It turns out that most of these lessons we must learn for ourselves. But if you are soon to be married, it still might not hurt to give this advice a read!

1)    Root out any sarcasm in your conversations with each other. Sarcasm can seem playful and harmless, but over time, it can wear down what might otherwise be a loving relationship between a husband and wife. The word “sarcasm” means “to tear flesh”—so think about it! That’s hardly something you want to do to your spouse. It might seem a little dramatic to weed out sarcasm from your daily interactions with each other, but it’s probably one of the most important things you can do. The words you will exchange with your spouse are limited; fill those words with as much sincerity and love as you can!

2)    Try to outdo each other in service. Think about the Blessed Mother and her most chaste spouse, St. Joseph. I imagine that their love for each other was so pure that they lacked much of the selfishness that affects most other marriages—even between Catholics of goodwill. We ought to look to them as our example and not keep score with our spouses, but rather, to do everything we can to serve our spouses out of a spirit of generosity. Sometimes, in married life, one spouse will naturally have to assume the larger part of the burden, and then the other; share your heart with your spouse and communicate your needs, but do your best not to keep a scoresheet and always try to carry your cross with a spirit of charity. 

3)    Do not speak negatively about your spouse. None of us is married to a perfect human being. We all have faults—some are worse than others—but it can be all too easy to get into the habit of speaking ill of our spouses to other people. There are cases in which there is truly a need to speak up about behaviors that are damaging, such as in the case of domestic abuse; but a lot of times, it is the little annoying things our spouses do that we bring up in conversation—usually, just for the sake of having something to say. Your spouse may not be perfect but complaining about him or her to other people won’t help either of you to grow in virtue. Speak to your spouse first about resolving issues before you go to your friends or acquaintances to complain. And then, if you are still struggling, there can be some good in sharing your heart with a trusted confidante who also loves your spouse—not someone who will take the first opportunity to tear him or her down—and can help you think of ways to work through the issues you present. 

4)    Take interest in the things that interest your spouse. My husband is so good at doing this. When I was in graduate school, he would purchase copies of and read the books I was reading in class so that he could discuss them with me. He has led by example in this regard. I try to do the same, reading the articles he sends me and making my best effort to remember the many names he brings up to me in conversation when talking about work. I have sometimes talked with couples where one will bring up something he or she is interested in and the spouse will roll eyes and show indifference or contempt for what has been said. You can have a happy marriage without sharing every single one of your interests; but it seems to me that it becomes harder to have a happy marriage when spouses can’t or won’t make an effort to enjoy the things their husbands and wives enjoy. If your spouse loves to do puzzles and frequently asks you to do one together (but it’s not your favorite thing in the world), set a monthly puzzle date so that your spouse has the joy of sharing a beloved hobby with you, and you have the joy of making your spouse happy.  

5)    Pray together and frequent the sacraments. If marriage is your vocation, then it is the means through which you will be sanctified. Run towards Christ together with your spouse and seek out the sacraments together. 

·Go to Mass together on Sundays and during the week if possible. 

·Go to confession as needed but make a habit of going monthly; perhaps you can choose to go on a Saturday and then go out for ice cream afterwards. 

·Pray the rosary together every day, or at least a decade of the rosary.

·Pray a morning offering together when you wake up each day, and and make an examination of conscience at the end of day before you go to sleep. 

And, finally, a bonus piece of advice: ask the saints to intercede for you! There are many married saints who are in heaven right now, ready to pray for you and your spouse. I particularly like to ask St. Frances of Rome to pray for me because shortly before her husband died, he said that being married to his wife for forty years was like a dream. That is the goal—for my husband to leave this life knowing that he was truly loved by me, his wife.