We live in a culture and a time that is largely flippant on the subject of marriage. Either the culture emphasizes that marriage isn’t necessary and people can just shack up together indefinitely (or sleep around indefinitely) or if people do decide to get married if it doesn’t work out divorce really isn’t that big a deal. The trouble is that marriage really matters. God instituted marriage from the beginning and from the beginning He sanctified it and made it a bond between a man and a woman for the greater good. Not only is marriage meant to be good for the spouses, but it is also meant to bring forth children through the bond of love.

“The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring” (CCC 1601) 

Those who are in the season of life where they are dating or seeking a spouse need to keep the seriousness of marriage in mind. Above all, the idea must be maintained that virtue should be of utmost importance. Why is that? Because committing to someone for the rest of your life, making a covenant with them and with God, is no small matter. The person you marry ought to be virtuous. They won’t be perfect, as none of us are, but they should be striving to be “perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). Below are 5 big picture reasons why you should be seeking a virtuous spouse. 

1. Virtue Requires Perseverance and Reliability

Virtue is a habit built over time. Someone who is already virtuous, or striving to be, is someone who is reliable and persevering. It takes time, energy, and effort to build good habits and dismantle bad ones. We all have a fallen human nature, but with God’s grace we can overcome our weaknesses and rise to greater glory. This is something spouses do together within marriage, with the help of the special sacramental graces given to them by the Lord.

“To heal the wounds of sin, man and woman need the help of the grace that God in his infinite mercy never refuses them. Without his help man and woman cannot achieve the union of their lives for which God created them “in the beginning.” (CCC 1608)

2. Those who are pursuing virtue are willing to make sacrifices.

Virtue building entails sacrificing lesser goods for greater goods. It often means giving up some material good for the sake of a moral good, which is often less tangible and certainly less instantaneous. Someone in the habit of sacrifice will be able to make sacrifices for the sake of the greater good of the family - for their spouse and for any children who might come along. Marriage and parenthood entail many, many sacrifices - many opportunities for dying to self - and already being in the habit of this, even on a smaller scale, will make the transition into marriage much smoother. 

3. Someone who is pursuing virtue and holiness will also bring you closer to God and further into the heart of the Church.

As St. Paul emphasizes in Ephesians 5, earthly marriage is an image of the union between Christ and His Church. When spouses are able to bring each other closer to the Lord, there is a deepening in the reflection of the image of Christ and His Church in the marriage. You need to be married to someone who will always lead you closer to Christ. There are mixed marriages where one spouse isn't a Catholic or a Christian, and there have been many conversions through the steady prayers of a devout spouse, but this is not something that should be sought after. Women especially should be seeking a husband who can be the spiritual leader and head of the household. 

3. Virtuous People Make Better Parents

Marriage is ordered toward the procreation and education of children - not something to be undertaken lightly or with someone who isn’t prepared for the task. Nothing can ever fully prepare you for parenthood, but knowing that your intended spouse is already thinking of the kind of mother or father they want to be is encouraging when considering the task ahead. Parenthood is sanctifying in itself, or can be if the participants are ordered towards God’s grace, but preparing with the practice of virtue long before will certainly help in fulfilling the duties of motherhood and fatherhood. 

5. When the honeymoon is over, you need someone who chooses to love you each day no matter what.

When the fuzzy warm feelings wear off you want to know the person to whom you are married isn’t going anywhere but perseveres through the reality of being married to a fallen human being. In Three to Get Married, Fulton Sheen wrote:

“In all human love it must be realized that every man promises a woman, and every woman promises a man that which only God alone can give, namely, perfect happiness. One of the reasons why so many marriages are shipwrecked is because as the young couple leave the altar, they fail to realize that human feelings tire and the enthusiasm of the honeymoon is not the same as the more solid happiness of enduring human love… In the first moments of human love, one does not see the little hidden deformities which later on appear.”

It is inevitable that you won’t always feel “in love” with your spouse, even if you always love them. Feelings come and go, but love is a choice, one made daily. It is willing the good of the other, no matter what, through good times and bad. Those who are unvirtuous will not be able to make this choice over and over again, if at all.

“This unequivocal insistence on the indissolubility of the marriage bond may have left some perplexed and could seem to be a demand impossible to realize. However, Jesus has not placed on spouses a burden impossible to bear, or too heavy—heavier than the Law of Moses. By coming to restore the original order of creation disturbed by sin, he himself gives the strength and grace to live marriage in the new dimension of the Reign of God. It is by following Christ, renouncing themselves, and taking up their crosses that spouses will be able to “receive” the original meaning of marriage and live it with thehelp of Christ. This grace of Christian marriage is a fruit of Christ’scross, the source of all Christian life.” (CCC 1615)

May those who are discerning marriage discern wisely! May God bless you on the journey.