Like any man, I don’t pretend to understand women incredibly well. The main qualification I have to write this column is that I was virtuous enough to convince my wife to marry me. She is an incredible gift to me, and I would not be the man I am today without her. And for what little I understand about women, this I do know: men that are steady, dependable, strong in their faith, and able to sacrifice are very attractive to good, Catholic women.  

I hope some of the following advice is helpful to young men as they look ahead at becoming the type of man a woman would want to marry. 

Think of the End

A friend of mine used to be a residential assistant in a Catholic college dorm. One of the areas of advice that the students sought from him was on dating. Before the conversation was over, he would always convey to the student: you will either marry this person or you’ll break up.  

On the surface, it sounds off-putting, but underneath that initial reaction is a piece of solid advice. The goal of a dating relationship is to find a spouse, not date forever. Longer-term dating relationships can be good, especially when growth in maturity is required. It’s easy to coast along and let the girl do the pushing toward marriage—don’t be that guy. Dating is a means, not an end. It has a goal, and that is marriage. To all single young men, when you get in a solid relationship with a good Catholic girl, think of marriage. Consider the future: long-term compatibility, matching Catholic values, kids, jobs, and rings. And have a good mentor in your life that can give you Christ-centered advice in finding a spouse. 

Strive for Holiness 

A place to start are the five precepts of the Church: Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation; going to confession once a year; receiving the Eucharist at least during the Easter season (note, this does not excuse Mass attendance every Sunday/holy day); preserve the days of fasting established by the Church; finally, to provide for the needs of the Church as you’re able (see the Catechism of the Catholic Church, #2042-2043).  

I don’t mean to be disrespectful to the Catechism, but this list is the bare minimum. I recommend upping the ante. Go to confession monthly, ideally with a trusted spiritual director. Add daily prayer into the mix—the rosary and meditative prayer. Even if the prayer is 15 minutes and one decade of the rosary, start there and build up over time. 

In this area of growing in holiness, do everything you can to grow closer to God and deeper in your Catholic faith. One of the secrets of the spiritual life—the truly life-giving spiritual life—is developing good habits. Yes, the preeminent factor is grace. An indispensable variable is our own effort and cooperation. Even with that said, one of the hardest obstacles to overcome is in developing and maintaining good habits. Those habits will naturally change once another person and children become part of your life. No matter what the season of life, a devoted spiritual life will be like the house built on rock (Matthew 7:24-27).

Be Less Secular in Entertainment

If the last point was to strive in a positive way toward holiness, this points more along the lines of a definition by negation. I grew up in the 1980s and 1990s. In my estimation, the Catholic Church in the United States was more interested in becoming friends with the world than boldly witnessing to Christ. That’s a vast oversimplification, but backed up in my personal experiences in parish life, more than one high school youth group, and a Newman Center on a state college campus. During those decades, the western world retained some cultural Judeo-Christian values. Growing up, I developed a sense that I could be as worldly as I wanted in the areas of entertainment, culture, and some morals—while still going to Mass on Sundays and viewing myself as a solid Catholic. This wasn’t anything I was consciously taught; it was a combination of concupiscence and the cultural air we breathed.    

My advice in this area is to not be like me. Avoid music, movies, and video games that have immoral content. Also be wary of those who would pull you in those directions. I didn’t think that filling my head with such things would have any effect on me. I considered myself of such an advanced maturity that it wouldn’t matter. But if I was voluntarily filling my head with the anti-gospel, the supposed level of maturity is not relevant at all! Poison has its effects regardless of the disposition of the imbiber.

Continuous Quality Improvement

This is more of a business term, but it absolutely applies to our personal life and spiritual life. Look at ways to improve personally and spiritually. Adopt an attitude of constant growth, appreciation, and learning. Growth for me came in discovering great lessons in novels like The Lord of the Rings. Teaching religious education at my parish also helped me grow.  Reading spiritual classics helped me see look into the vast treasure chest of the Church, and find saintly friends and mentors who seemed to speak right to me. Listening to the podcasts of Fr. John Riccardo and Pints With Aquinas gave me the opportunity to use my daily commute as a time for enrichment.

My wife and I learned this slowly (or at least I did) over the course of the years. One radio/online show I recommend is Dan & Stephanie Burke’s “Divine Intimacy Radio.” They have episodes on all kinds of spiritual topics, and recently they did a series on marriage. Dan offered the image of a triangle.  If two spouses (the left and right points of the triangle) are seeking to get closer to God (the high point of the triangle), as they progress, they actually get closer to each other as well.  

I have one final piece of advice: embrace the sacrifice!  All the effort and time you spend building and growing in the Lord will pay dividends in the future.  When you find that special woman, it will all be worth it.